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| So..what's up xanga world? Long time no write. I've been super busy with work and my "happening" social life. haha So, I'm back from Texas and adjusting to life again. I'm pretty adjusted. I am now "officially" in a relationship. Yay! We have been dating off and on since October..and now we are together. He makes me happy. Like a pocketful of sunshine would..anyways.
I declared my major. Did I tell you about that? I'm going to be an English teacher. Beware children..I'm coming.
It's been a long day so I'm gonna go to bed. Short update I guess.
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| Get up! Get up! Dance on the ceiling!
I wish I could dance on the ceiling. You know? I've always thought it would be fun to glue someone's furniture to the ceiling. I see that in movies. How the hell would you go about doing that though? What kind of glue would hold up furniture? And how would you hold it up long enough for the glue to dry? It's quite impractical. I guess everything in movies isn't practical. That's part of the fun in it I suppose.
I want to spin around and around until I get really dizzy and then lay on the ground and watch the world spin round and round.
That's what I feel like the world is going..spinning round and round. And I'm the only thing not moving. I suppose that's how you feel when you are away from friends and family and their lives are going on without you. I'm sure that I will fit right back in my little nook in their life when I get home. I just feel like I'm missing so much. At the same time though I'm doing a lot of awesome things here that I wouldn't be able to be doing if I was at home spinning with the world. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Is greener even a word? It doesn't seem like it should be.
It's gonna get harder still..before it gets easy.
Another Jimmy Eat World quote...3rd this entry. Can you tell I'm listening to their CD? Well, now you know! Bitch.
That was a mistake! ... bitch!
I want a chicken sandwich, and some waffle fries...for free!!!
haha
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| Life is funny sometimes. The twists and turns it throws your way. I sometimes wonder if it's life or us that make those twists and turns. All of our decisions eventually lead us somewhere I suppose. And even though we can't change what or who other people do, we have complete control over how we react and we therefore have a good amount of control on our lives and the events that take place. There are some random events, such as death of loved ones, that we have no control over. But mostly everything else we bring upon ourselves. If we have shitty relationship problems..even though it could be the other person's fault, we continue to be with them. If we find ourselves passed out shitfaced on a random bathroom floor..our fault. If we find ourselves missing home..our fault for leaving. I could go on and on and on.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm tired of others (myself included) putting their shit on other people. It's time people start taking responsibility for our actions and realizing that we are where we are today because of the decisions we have made. We decide whether to let our past control our present and destroy our future, or whether we overcome it and learn from it. We decide what we want our lives to look like. There is usually always a way to make our "dreams" come true. People are usually just too lazy to accept that things are really hard sometimes.
I don't know. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. It's not aimed at anyone in particular or at a certain situation..it's just what I was thinking about.
So, why don't I talk about something happy? I feel like I never do that on here. It's like my rant-fest page or something. Well, I've been having an awesome time out here in Texas. I've been loving getting to know Mag better and it's been good for me to be thrown into situations I'm not used to. I really feel like I'm growing from it and becoming a more mature and well rounded person. I'm growing into who I'm supposed to be or some shit like that. I think it's good to be put into situations that I wouldn't usually put myself in. It makes me learn to cope, and it also makes me learn to appreciate what I have a lot more.
I also like getting to know different kinds of people. Some interesting, some good, some bad, some bitchy, some amazingly nice. Oh! I'm going to stop talking about this for a minute because I want to talk about something else. I finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm going to be an English teacher. I've always thought about that in the back of my mind and I realized that it's the best for me out of all the things I want to do. So I plan to teach high school while getting my masters and possibly PhD and then be a college professor. That's the plan anyways.
I've also been trying to get my relationship with God back while I'm out here. It's been kinda rocky so far. It's hard to get a relationship back after not even going to church for about 2 years. I'm willing to work at it though. I'm doing everything I know how and hoping He will meet me in that. So, we'll see..
Anyways, I have found something else to take up my time at the moment..so adios.
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| Why am I so scared to let someone in? Why the fuck couldn't I just enjoy it while it lasted? I don't understand why I had to let emotions get in the way...why I couldn't just leave it how it was..perfect. I always do that shit. I have to break it off before they can hurt me. What am I so afraid of ? Falling in love..again? Why does it have to be a storybook romance for me to think it's good enough. I don't fucking know..but now you're gone. And it's all my fault. Another one bites the dust.
How many until I find you? Are you even out there? Are you looking for me too?
Love is so complicated..life is so complicated...shit.
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"Given Up" -Linkin Park
Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape
I'm my own worst enemy
[chorus]
I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
[end chorus]
I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares
I'm my own worst enemy
[chorus]
I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
[end chorus]
[bridge]
Goddddddd!!!!
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| I hate how I sit here waiting for you to call. I hate how my mood is so dependent on you. I hate how vulnerable you make me. I hate how you make me stumble over my words. But most of all I hate that I'm falling for you. That scares me so much because I don't know if I trust my heart in your hands. I don't know if I trust my emotions in your control. Just please don't let me down..please don't be like the rest of them..please let me trust you.
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